I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
