You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
