You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
