Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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