you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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