And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
