Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
