What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
