What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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