Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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