The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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