I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
no, he came in my armpit
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
