my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
