Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
