So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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