First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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