My sheets look like a crime scene.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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