woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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