and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
