I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.