I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
