so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
