fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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