just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
