Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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