New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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