I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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