I must be too annoying 4 u.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
