Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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