you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
