she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
