He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
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11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
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I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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