Kiss
Puke
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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