Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
