I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I would fuck him just for his dog
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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