so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Randomize
