I am puke
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle