I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
