I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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