I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
