There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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