My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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