I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
