I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
