This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
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It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
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I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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