why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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