I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
