her vagine was all disorganized.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
