literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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