apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
