Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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